Part 23: Episode XXII: Lucrecia the Slut

Episode XXII: Lucrecia the Slut


Does this mean by the end of the stage, Cid will be frozen in carbonite and Vincent will lose a hand after Nero is revealed to be his father? Is it sad that would make about as much sense as anything so far?


"Is what true?"
"That Lucrecia... That Dr. Crescent is to take part in this project?"
"It's true. The Doctor bent me over that very table last night."
"For science, you see."
"Oh EWWW!!!"


"I'm standing up and am positioned slightly to the left of the window. That's why I am not obscured in shadows. I assure you it is nothing to worry about."


"Heh. I don't know what you are implying, but both of us are scientists. We know what we are doing. I have a certified document right here. It says 'Scientists. Qualified to know what they are doing.' It is very official."


"But..."
"But what? If you have something to say, say it."
"Are you...? Are you sure this is what you really want? I mean...it is really retarded. I mean...you'd have to actively work long hours into the night to match that degree of bad plans."


"Anyway?! What do you mean anyway?!"
<cough> _{"Sorry, wrong game..."}


Bwahaha! Lucrecia whores herself out to Hojo, lets him inject her with alien juice, and gives birth to an asshole that kills scores of people and almost destroys the planet...all just because Vincent is too much of a putz to put out.

Hahaha. Oh... Vinnie, you are the single worst hero ever.


"Watched and moped. I didn't even try to stop her. I almost gave her some poetry I had written, but when I went to give it to her, I heard a banging and someone moaning 'inject those Jenova cells, doc. Inject them harder!'. I gave up after that."







So what the fuck did I do that was so wrong to have to endure this?


Oh boy. It wouldn't be a complete meandering flashback sequence if it was accompanied by a vague dream sequence in the cave, now would it?


"But you were...sort of a bitch... No. I'm the one to blame. I couldn't stop you that day. Well, I could. I just...you know...effort."


"...a good...lawyer..."


"...a restraining order..."
"Lucrecia?"


"Next time I will be pressing charges."

Fade to black...


<groan> "How did something that big even fit in my chest? Do I still have organs? I knew I should have gotten a physical at some point..."







"I hate my life."


"Who are you? Why would you do that to the moogle part of Cait Sith?"


"I am the champion of e-"
"Oh, Yuffie. Hey."
_{"What?! It's supposed to be a big reveal!"}
"A ninja girl using an oversized ninja star and wearing short shorts. It's not difficult to figure out."
_{"Shut up and play along, dufus!"}
"Fine..."


"I am the conqueror of evil. The single white rose of Wutai."


Cue dramatic cloak toss.


Since, this game had far too much angsty bullshit going on, I'm sure adding an irritatingly spunky comic relief character will even things out. I mean, look at what Cait Sith has done for the narrative.


Stupid slapstick comedy!









"I hate my life."

Special Feature:


Today we will be discussing Yuffie's new design. It's really not all that offensive. I dare say, other than the dopey color scheme, it is probably less retarded than her original design (with that idiotic arm guard thing twice the size of her actual arm.)

Yes, less retarded. That is, except for one key element:


The midriff belt. It's like Nomura freaked out when he realized Yuffie wasn't showing enough of her mid section. Instead of deciding to doing something rational to fanservice her up a bit like...ya know...just shortening her shirt. He instead saw it fit to hastily scribble a belt to yank her shirt up a few inches.

Sure, there are better examples of Nomura belt fuckery. But, this one just rubs me the wrong way.

Tune in Next Time For:


Childish Rambling!


Scientists Being Dumbasses!!


Yuffie as Voiced By Anne From Arrested Development

Bonus Movies:

More Dull Flashbacks!

Cutscenes Present: 4
Cutscenes Total: 80